10 Recommendations to Smash Relationship Dissatisfaction After Having a Baby
Lack of intimacy and relationship dissatisfaction after having a baby is often overlooked by new parents.
Yet, to take on raising a child as a team, your relationship with your partner needs to be stronger than ever.
So, are couples doomed to fail after having a baby?
No, not at all.
However, for relationships to stay happy and healthy, work needs to be done on the part of both parents. After all, we love our partners and that shouldn’t end due to the demands on us after having a baby.
And, with Valentine’s Day coming up, I’m sure you and your partner want to reintroduce romance into your lives.
In this article, I talk a bit about how relationships change after having a baby. I also talk about the specific changes in women that contribute to relationship changes.
Then, I dive into strategies and recommendations to keep the relationship and intimacy alive with your partner.
Are you ready?
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Why Does Relationship Dissatisfaction Happen After Having a Baby?
There are two main reasons I’ve noticed that contribute to relationship dissatisfaction after having a baby: changes in the couple dynamic and changes within the mom.
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Changes in Couple Dynamics After Having a Baby
After having a baby, a multitude of changes happen within married or cohabiting couples.
Typically, there is poorer communication.
It’s a fact that when you’re sleep-deprived and stressed out, it’s hard to communicate properly with anyone.
This is further compounded if your relationship with your partner was already riddled with communication issues pre-baby.
Identity shifts, role conflicts, and restricted freedom also result from having a baby and contribute to relationship dissatisfaction.
Couples typically don’t have the freedom to do what they want together after having a baby. They often think there’s just not enough time to spend together.
Their sense of self also significantly changes, and how they feel about each other along with it.
Such factors can contribute to feeling less satisfied in your relationship with your partner.
And, to no one’s surprise, intimacy and sex are often a distant memory after bringing your baby home.
A woman’s body and hormones change drastically after having a baby.
It often takes months for women to feel comfortable and confident to have sex with their partner after giving birth.
Not to mention the lack of privacy when there’s a baby in the house.
When couples do have sex, they usually feel rushed to get it over with while their baby naps.
Fortunately, the awkwardness of having sex for the first time after having a baby will eventually pass.
This leads me to the changes that happen within women that can contribute to relationship dissatisfaction after having a baby.
Changes in Women After Having a Baby
Before having a baby, it was hard for me to grasp why it would be so hard to continue intimacy with your partner after having a baby.
Now that I’ve been through it myself, I completely understand.
Here are just some of the changes that happen to women after giving birth:
- Reduced confidence in body image
- Fatigue and lack of energy
- Mental and emotional exhaustion
- Priority shifts
- Pain and discomfort
- Hormonal fluctuations
- Overwhelm
These factors are often hard to shake after giving birth and can take time.
Every woman is different. Some women are ready to go as soon as they get the OK from their healthcare provider and some still feel uncomfortable and awkward.
I know from my experience that breastfeeding moms also tend to leak with the rise in oxytocin, which can also contribute to the feeling of awkwardness during sex.
So, what are couples to do after having a baby? Should they just let it be and hope things improve on their own?
Absolutely not.
I have 10 suggestions for you.
Want to learn more about the changes women experience after giving birth? Check out these blog posts:
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION
DEALING WITH SLEEP DEPRIVATION AS A NEW MOM
10 Suggestions to Get Rid of Relationship Dissatisfaction After Having a Baby
1. Share Responsibilities
There is evidence to show that one of the reasons relationship satisfaction decreases after having a baby is due to role conflicts.
Moms often take on more of the parenting load and this can lead to resentment toward their partners and an unfair balance in responsibilities
The lesson here is that couples need to share responsibilities after having a baby.
Take the time to plan who will be responsible for what.
Perhaps one parent can be responsible for cleaning the house and making food, while the other is responsible for feeding, changing diapers, and appointments.
2. Work on Positive Communication
Negative communication looks like dismissiveness, insults, defensiveness, and overall a lack of listening skills.
Yes, it’s hard to communicate with your partner on little sleep and maximum stress but you have to anyway.
Avoid interrupting your partner and making assumptions.
Take the time to listen.
This is one of the reasons I think slow parenting is so crucial.
If you slow down and avoid trying to do all the things you want to do, you will develop enough patience to actually listen to the words people speak and notice their body language.
Often, simply listening is enough to level up your communication with your partner.
Don’t be afraid to be honest about your feelings and thoughts too.
3. Maintain Separate Identities
After having a baby, both individuals in a relationship experience shifts in their identities.
Couples need to give each other space to sit with and adjust to their new identities as mothers and fathers.
Maintaining separate identities works wonders for couples because people with a stronger sense of self, people are more capable of engaging in healthy behaviours in their relationship.
Being a parent is part of both parent’s identity after having a baby. It takes time to figure out how we want to think and feel about our identities.
Identity shifts are well documented and researched in women after having a baby. There’s even a term for it: matrescence.
All this is to say is that with enough space to be who we are alone, there will be more than enough space to spend time with our partners.
4. Schedule Quality Time
Scheduling time with your partner may sound silly, especially if you value spontaneity.
But, you may find you need to schedule some quality time after having a baby.
Trust me, I miss the freedom of just deciding with my partner that we should go out and do something together but that’s not so easy, especially if you don’t have childcare plans in place.
I suggest spending at least 2 hours of quality time each week with your partner. Even better, have an actual date night once a month.
This will be easier by the time your baby is a couple months or so.
5. Express Affection
Among the communication challenges you’re having with your partner, it’s hard to express affection.
Still, a simple “thank you” or “I love you,” can go a long way. If your partner is coming home from a long day at work, be sure to ask them how their day was and give them a hug and kiss.
Hopefully, your partner will reciprocate this affection and acknowledge your long day with the baby as well.
Just remember to give small praises as you see fit and be grateful to have each other in this difficult season of life.
Learn to appreciate the impact having a baby has on both of your lives. Be empathetic.
6. Rediscover Physical Intimacy
Rediscovering intimacy after having a baby is a slow process.
For me, I made it gradual.
I was feeling insecure about my body for the longest time after having a baby and was quite frankly nervous about how it would feel down there.
I felt like a teenager all over again.
My partner and I started by giving each other lots of kisses and cuddles, and just being present with each other.
Things progressed from there and I always communicated when I wasn’t in the mood or if there was pain still.
Using the communication skills you’re practicing and having a partner who respects boundaries will ultimately result in the rediscovery of physical intimacy.
7. Plan for the Future
There’s something about planning the future with your partner that rekindles the spark of your relationship.
Planning with your partner gives hope for the future of your relationship and your child.
Talking with each other about your goals and sharing what you want for the future fosters support for each other.
I don’t know if any of you feel the same but I know this is true for me and my partner.
By planning for the future, you are agreeing with one another that you want to take on life together and don’t see each other splitting apart. You’re showing each other that you trust them.
This is a good sign for your relationship, so hang in there.
8. Celebrate Small Parenting Milestones
When there’s a baby in tow, couples are supposed to go through the journey together.
What better way to do that than to celebrate the simple milestones your baby has reached together?
Celebrate and just be happy together when these moments happen.
Through the trials and tribulations, you don’t want to only talk about how hard things are with your baby.
Though it’s important to have honest conversations about how you feel, through the good and bad, it’s just as important to celebrate the life you made together.
Raising a baby and witnessing them reach their milestones is a big reason for both parents to celebrate.
9. Working Together to Find Solutions
When we are solo parenting because our partners have to work, our default sometimes is to figure out things on our own and avoid asking for help.
It’s pretty common for moms to “micromanage” their partners because they don’t like the way their partner works to solve a problem.
Trust me, it’s a real thing. It’s called maternal gatekeeping.
The thing is, if we want our partners to be more involved, we need to let them. This means letting them help us find solutions when we’re going through a tough time with our babies.
What this also means is your partner needs to become good at figuring out their responsibilities rather than depending on you to tell them what to do.
This is where sharing responsibilities also comes into play.
10. couple's counselling as a last resort
Not all of us have the money to spend on couples counselling, but it could be a good last resort if you struggle to figure out how to do the recommendations outlined in this article.
A couple’s counsellor can help you figure out how to work through the communication challenges you’re having and the obstacles that hinder your physical intimacy and affection toward each other.
You can also try finding resources online made by couple’s counsellors and psychologists with expertise in intimate relationships.
Remember that it’s completely normal for you to be dissatisfied with your relationship after having a baby.
The research shows that this happens to almost all couples, whether they're married or cohabitating.
However, what’s important is finding solutions to this dissatisfaction so you and your partner don’t split apart. That opens up a whole other can of worms.
The recommendations outlined in this article are backed up by research and my experience with my partner.
We still have our challenges but we would be worse off without proper communication, affection, shared responsibilities, and physical intimacy.
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