This is How I Express My Needs and Avoid Resentment as a Mom
We all know this story: Standing in the kitchen, staring blankly at the sink full of dishes, feeling completely overwhelmed. Our partner walks in, our resentment bubbles up. Feeling exhausted and emotionally drained from juggling the demands of motherhood, but instead of asking for help, we keep doing everything on our own, thinking it's our responsibility anyway.
Like many moms, I used to struggle with asking for what I needed, carrying the mental load in silence. I’d convince myself I could handle it all, but that only led to feelings of frustration and resentment. And we all want to avoid resentment as a mom.
Eventually, I realized this wasn’t sustainable. I had to learn how to express my needs, let go of guilt, and ask for help. I had to before the emotional toll damaged my relationship with my partner.
In this post, I want to share how I learned to communicate my needs with my partner (without feeling guilty) and how you can do the same. I’ll also talk about how addressing your needs early can help you avoid the resentment that so often builds up when we stay silent.
The first step toward feeling less guilty for expressing what you want and need is to examine what's going on in your head to make you feel that way. My Mom Guilt Journal will help you do that. Sign up below:
Why Moms Feel Guilty About Expressing Their Needs
When I became a mom, I felt a deep sense of responsibility to “do it all.”
There’s this unspoken expectation that as mothers, we should be able to handle everything—taking care of the baby, managing the house, staying on top of work, and maybe even fitting in some self-care (if we’re lucky). But let’s be real: trying to do it all, all the time, is impossible.
For a long time, I struggled with guilt whenever I thought about asking for help. I’d feel like I was failing at my role as a mom or that I was somehow burdening my partner.
If I needed a break, I’d push that feeling down.
I know many moms feel this same guilt. Society often places unrealistic expectations on us, and we internalize the belief that we should never need help. We tell ourselves that our partners are already working hard, and we don’t want to add to their load.
But: not expressing your needs doesn’t make them go away. It only leads to burnout, frustration, and in many cases, resentment.
The key to shifting this mindset is to understand that expressing what you need isn’t a sign of weakness. You can work on your mindset shifts in my Letting Go of Mom Guilt Journal.
How Bottled-Up Emotions Lead to Resentment
Let me tell you, I’ve been there. I spent months keeping my feelings to myself, convinced I could handle everything without “bothering” my partner.
But over time, the emotional weight of taking care of everything alone began to take its toll. I found myself growing more frustrated with my partner, even though I wasn’t asking him to do anything differently.
Eventually, I realized that my silence was creating a rift between us. The more I stayed quiet, the more I expected him to somehow “know” what I needed.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to help—it was that I wasn’t communicating what I needed from him.
Moms carry a mental load that often goes unnoticed.
We’re constantly thinking about what needs to get done, from managing the kids’ schedules to keeping track of household tasks. When we carry this load in silence, it can create a sense of imbalance in our relationships.
That’s why it’s so important to express your needs early, rather than letting them build up until they become overwhelming.
Practical Tips for Expressing Your Needs Without Guilt
Tip 1: Schedule Regular Check-Ins
One of the most helpful things my partner and I have done is to schedule regular “check-ins.”
We set aside time each week to talk about how we’re both doing—what’s working, what’s not, and where we could use support.
These check-ins have been a game changer because they provide a space for me to share what I’m feeling before things get too overwhelming.
For moms who feel guilty about bringing up their needs, I highly recommend scheduling a specific time for these conversations. It doesn’t have to be formal, but it does help to have a regular routine where you and your partner can openly discuss how you’re both feeling.
Tip 2: Use “I Statements” to Avoid Blame
In the past, whenever I did try to express my needs, I sometimes fell into the trap of saying things like, “You never help with the baby” or “I’m always the one cleaning.”
While I meant well, these kinds of statements came across as blaming, which only made my partner defensive.
Instead of saying, “You never help,” I started framing my needs like this: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m the only one taking care of the baby. It would really help me if we could share the responsibilities more.”
By focusing on how I felt, rather than accusing my partner, our conversations became less confrontational and more solution-oriented.
When you use “I statements,” you’re expressing how you feel without making your partner feel like they’re being attacked. It creates a space for understanding and empathy, which leads to better communication and problem-solving.
Tip 3: Be Specific About What You Need
Another lesson I’ve learned is that my partner isn’t a mind reader. For a long time, I’d expect him to just know what I needed, and when he didn’t, I’d feel disappointed.
Now, instead of making vague requests, I’m specific about what I need. For example, instead of saying, “I need more help around the house,” I’ll say, “It would really help me if you could handle bath time with the baby while I clean up the kitchen.”
This kind of clarity leaves no room for confusion, and it allows my partner to step up in a genuinely helpful way.
How to Prevent Resentment from Building Up
Tip 1: Address Issues Early
When you start to feel overwhelmed, it’s tempting to push those feelings aside and keep powering through.
But trust me, that approach only leads to burnout and resentment. I’ve learned that addressing issues early—before they spiral out of control—is key to maintaining a healthy relationship.
For example, if I notice I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by household work, I don’t wait for it to fester.
I’ll bring it up with my partner during our check-ins or even in a casual conversation. This way, we can tackle small issues together before they become big problems.
I encourage you to do the same. Don’t wait until you’re at your breaking point to speak up.
Tip 2: Foster a Team Mindset
One of the most transformative shifts in my relationship has been moving from a mindset of “me versus him” to “we’re in this together.”
When I stopped seeing my needs as a burden on my partner and instead approached challenges as a team, everything changed.
Now, when I express my needs, it’s not about me asking him to take on my responsibilities—it’s about working together to support each other.
We both have busy lives, and we both contribute to our family in different ways.
When we approach things as a team, it reduces the pressure on both of us and strengthens our connection.
Conclusion
Learning how to express your needs without guilt and addressing them early can make a huge difference in your relationship and your emotional well-being. It’s not always easy, but it’s essential for maintaining a healthy balance as partners and parents. Remember, communicating your needs is not selfish—it’s a vital part of keeping your relationship strong and ensuring you can show up as your best self, both as a mom and as a partner.
This week, I encourage you to try one of the strategies we’ve discussed. Whether it’s scheduling a check-in with your partner, using “I statements,” or simply being more specific in your requests, take that first step toward better communication. And trust me, both you and your partner will feel the benefits.
The first step toward feeling less guilty for expressing what you want and need is to examine what's going on in your head to make you feel that way. My Mom Guilt Journal will help you do that. Sign up below: