How Attachment Styles in Motherhood Shape Your Relationships
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably wondered why you respond to your child in certain ways…and why you anticipate certain responses from people you have a relationship with. Your thoughts and behaviours in your relationships are connected to how you grew up. Our responses in parenting and relationships are often shaped by something much deeper—our attachment style. That’s why I looked into the influence of attachment styles in motherhood.
Understanding your attachment style provides insight into how you interact with your child, how you navigate relationships, and whether or not your needs are being met.
In this post, we’ll explore the four attachment styles and how they influence your experience in motherhood. Also, I will offer some practical steps to create more fulfilling relationships with your children, partner, and yourself.
Overview of the Four Attachment Styles
Attachment styles refer to the patterns of behaviour we develop in early childhood based on how our caregivers respond to our emotional needs. The technical way to describe these patterns is mental representations.
These patterns don’t just disappear once we grow up; they continue to influence how we navigate relationships as adults.
Let’s take a quick look at the four attachment styles:
Secure Attachment
Individuals with a secure attachment style are confident in their relationships. Secure individuals have healthy emotional connections with others, trust that their needs will be met, and feel comfortable both giving and receiving love. As parents, those with a secure attachment style are likely to be emotionally available to their children.
Anxious Attachment
People with this style have a preoccupation with relationships and fear rejection, abandonment, and uncertainty. Moms with an anxious attachment style may find themselves constantly seeking reassurance from their child, partner, or others. They may also experience anxiety about whether they’re “good enough” as a parent, sometimes leading to overcompensation.
Avoidant Attachment:
Avoidant individuals tend to suppress their emotions and avoid closeness. They may have learned early on that if they express their emotions, no one will care, leading them to become self-reliant and emotionally distant. Moms with an avoidant attachment style might struggle with emotional availability and may find it difficult to engage deeply with their children’s emotional needs. They also don’t expect that others will meet their needs.
Disorganized Attachment
This style is often the result of inconsistent or even traumatic caregiving in childhood. Disorganized individuals may feel conflicted about relationships, leading to unpredictable behaviours. For moms, this attachment style can make parenting feel overwhelming, sometimes leading to confusion about how to respond to their child’s needs. These moms don’t know how to get their needs met.
Attachment Styles in Motherhood
Let’s take a closer look at how these attachment styles apply in motherhood:
- Secure moms are more likely to provide a stable, nurturing environment. They’re comfortable with their child’s need for closeness and independence and are typically good at balancing the emotional demands of motherhood without losing sight of their own needs.
- Anxious moms, on the other hand, may worry excessively about being a good mom. This can lead to over-involvement, where they feel compelled to constantly check in on their child’s emotions or feel guilty when they take time for themselves. This can be emotionally exhausting and may create stress in both their parenting and personal lives.
- Avoidant moms may find themselves keeping an emotional distance from their children without even realizing it. Avoidant individuals focus more on practical aspects of parenting, like taking care of their child's physical needs, but struggle to respond to emotional needs. This can make their child feel unseen or disconnected, even if that’s not the mom’s intention.
- Disorganized moms may experience inner conflict when it comes to parenting. On one hand, they may want to nurture their child, but on the other, past trauma or inconsistent caregiving can make it hard for them to establish a predictable routine or emotional connection.
As you can see, understanding your attachment style can give you insight into your parenting tendencies and help you make adjustments if needed to foster a more secure attachment with your child.
Please know that you’re not automatically setting your child up for failure as a result of your attachment style. This post isn’t meant to shame you - it’s meant to open your eyes to how your childhood experiences influence your ability to connect as an adult and what changes you can make to break the cycle of these patterns.
Mental Representations from Childhood
Attachment styles are shaped by something called mental representations or internal working models. These are the “blueprints” we develop in childhood based on how our caregivers respond to our needs.
For example, if you had caregivers who were attentive and responsive, you likely developed a secure attachment and an internal model that people can be trusted to meet your needs.
On the other hand, if your caregivers are inconsistent or emotionally unavailable, your mental model might tell you that you can’t rely on others, which leads to avoidant or anxious behaviours in relationships.
These mental representations carry into adulthood and influence how we navigate relationships—whether it’s with our children, partners, or even friends. They shape:
- How we anticipate others will respond to us.
- What we expect from relationships.
- Whether we believe others will meet our needs.
This is why you might feel frustrated or misunderstood when your partner doesn’t respond to your needs the way you expect.
It’s your mental blueprint at play, sometimes causing tension in the relationship without either of you knowing why.
Recognizing this can help moms become more aware of their own attachment patterns and understand why certain dynamics arise with both their children and partner.
Impact on Partner Relationships and Mom’s Own Needs
Your attachment style doesn’t just affect how you interact with your child—it also impacts your relationship with your partner and whether or not your needs as a mom are being met.
- Secure moms generally have healthy communication with their partners and feel confident asking for support when needed. They are more likely to trust that their partner will meet their emotional and practical needs.
- Anxious moms constantly seek validation from their partners. This can lead to frustration, guilt, or resentment, as they might feel they’re carrying the emotional weight of both their child and their relationship.
- Avoidant moms may be hesitant to ask for help, leading them to feel unsupported and burnt out. They might prefer to handle everything on their own, creating a sense of isolation, even when help is available.
- Disorganized moms can feel conflicted about relying on their partners. They may alternate between seeking support and feeling distrustful, which can lead to inconsistent emotional dynamics in their relationship. This unpredictability can make it difficult to feel like others will fulfill our needs if we ask.
When moms feel that their emotional or practical needs aren’t met—whether by their partner, family, or support system—it can lead to feelings of resentment, burnout, and even guilt.
This is why understanding your attachment style is so important—it influences not only how you care for your child but also how you care for yourself.
Becoming More Aware of Your Style
So, how can you become more aware of your attachment style and its impact on your life as a mom?
1. Self-Reflection
Start by reflecting on your childhood experiences and your current behaviours and feelings in both parenting and personal relationships.
Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance, or do you tend to pull away emotionally when things get tough? What was your relationship like with your mother? Your father? Were emotionally available?
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward understanding your attachment style.
2. Improving Communication
If you identify with an anxious or avoidant attachment style, improving communication with your partner can make a big difference.
Start by expressing your needs and boundaries openly and clearly.
If you’re avoidant, work on becoming comfortable with asking for help. If you’re anxious, practice trusting that your partner will support you without needing constant validation.
3. Breaking Negative Cycles
If you recognize that your attachment style is affecting your parenting or your relationships, it’s possible to make changes.
Therapy, journaling, or talking with a mom coach can help you work through unresolved attachment issues.
Similarly, if you have disorganized and a traumatic history, it’s especially important to seek a therapist so you can break the intergenerational cycle of trauma within the family.
4. Fostering Secure Attachments
Whether or not you have a secure attachment style, you can always work to foster secure attachments with your children.
By being emotionally available, consistent, and responsive to their needs, you can create a safe environment where they feel secure and loved.
With your partner, continue to express your needs confidently and clearly.
5. Challenge Your Thinking
How we feel is a reflection of our thoughts. Anxiety, guilt, resentment…all of these are based on what we think about our current situation.
So, if you think your husband will feel annoyed if you ask him to do the dishes because you’ve been doing them all week, this can create anxiety. Ultimately, you’ll end up doing the dishes, resulting in you being even more tired.
Here's a more helpful thought: yes, my husband may feel annoyed that he has to do the dishes but I don’t like doing the dishes either and I’ve done them all week. It’s only fair that he helps around the house too. This is a more empowering thought and gives you room to focus on what you need.
Conclusion
Understanding your attachment style is a powerful tool in shaping how you parent and relate to others.
It helps you recognize patterns in your relationships with your children, partner, and even yourself.
You can foster healthier relationships, ensure people meet your needs, and ultimately enjoy a more fulfilling motherhood experience when you notice your patterns.
Remember, your attachment style isn’t fixed—you can change it over time with self-awareness and effort. Take the time to explore your attachment style, work on your relationships, and embrace a journey toward healthier, more secure connections with those you love.
Do you find yourself feeling guilty for asking your partner for help? It’s time to let that go. Take the first step and grab my mom guilt journal for FREE.