What does it mean to lose yourself in motherhood?
As moms, we go through ambivalent emotions. On the one hand, we love our children so much. We want to create a life full of memorable moments with them. On the other hand, we can’t help but feel like we lost ourselves. What does “lose yourself” in motherhood even mean?
It’s common for moms to feel disconnected from the person they were before becoming a mom. Understanding this is crucial for our well-being and the well-being of our family.
This disconnection from ourselves prevents us from having our emotional needs met, which impacts our overall experience in motherhood.
In this post, we’ll explore the emotional toll when you lose yourself in motherhood. We'll look at how to recognize the signs and offer some strategies for coping with these feelings.
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What Does It Mean to Lose Yourself in Motherhood?
At first, when I heard my experience in motherhood described as “losing yourself,” I thought it was quite dramatic. But honestly, it’s the best way to describe it.
I was so consumed (and still am sometimes) by the role of being a caregiver, provider, and nurturer that I forgot about my own needs, desires, and identity outside of motherhood. Many other moms feel the same way, which is why you’re probably reading this article.
Losing yourself can manifest in various ways.
Perhaps you no longer pursue hobbies you once loved, or you’ve put your career aspirations on hold indefinitely. It might even be as simple as not recognizing the person you see in the mirror.
I lost the joy of reading and writing during the earlier months until I decided I would start a blog.
In essence, losing yourself means prioritizing everyone else’s needs above your own. This is to the point where you no longer feel connected to who you were before motherhood.
It’s an emotional sacrifice that can be deeply unsettling.
Common Emotions Associated with Losing Yourself
Guilt, frustration, and even resentment are often at the forefront when you start to lose yourself.
We feel guilty for not being able to do it all, for feeling like we’re not the perfect mom, or even wanting time for ourselves.
This guilt can spiral into sadness, as you mourn the loss of your previous identity or the things you used to enjoy.
Frustration is difficult because it stems from overwhelm when we have all these thoughts about needing to take care of our never-ending list of responsibilities.
You might feel resentful, not towards your children, but towards the situation, as if the demands of motherhood have robbed you of your freedom and sense of self.
I felt resentful of my partner because I knew I took most of the load and needed him to take more initiative. Obviously, feeling resentful this way is not good for our relationship which is why we’re taking care of that.
These emotions are normal, but they can be exhausting and can contribute to a downward spiral in mental health if not addressed
Why Moms Don’t Talk About Losing Themselves
I notice we have a tendency to downplay our experience in motherhood and we think things like “I know I’m not perfect,” or “of course I’d talk about my struggles if I was going through them.”
If you’re one of those people, I think you should double-check that. We do behave as if we should be perfect and often sugarcoat what’s going on with ourselves and at home.
How many of you actually discuss with the people around you that you feel lost? Maybe you tell your best friend, but it’s not exactly an open discussion with other moms.
Despite the prevalence of these feelings, many moms don’t talk about them. Why? Because there’s a societal expectation that moms should be selfless, endlessly giving, and always putting their family first.
Admitting that you feel lost or disconnected from yourself can feel like admitting failure as a mom, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
The pressure to be “the perfect mom” is immense, often leading to a reluctance to share struggles for fear of judgment.
This silence can make the struggle even harder to bear, creating a sense of isolation.
Recognizing When You Lose Yourself in Motherhood
The first red flag you should note is a loss of interest in hobbies or activities that bring you joy. Often, we feel so depleted that there’s no energy left to engage in these activities.
Be careful though, because loss of interest in your hobbies could be a sign of depression. Make sure to read my article on postpartum depression, to see if you show other signs of depression.
Neglecting self-care is another red flag. If you’re skipping meals, not getting enough sleep, or putting off doctor’s appointments because you’re too busy, these are signs that you’re putting everyone else’s needs before your own.
Feeling disconnected from your pre-mom identity—like you’re just going through the motions without really enjoying life—can also indicate that something's amiss.
The Long-Term Impact on Mental Health
If left unchecked, this sense of self-loss can have serious long-term effects on your mental health.
Prolonged self-neglect can lead to burnout, where you feel physically and emotionally drained, unable to cope with the demands of daily life.
Burnout can cause you to become irritable, anxious, or even depressed. It makes it hard to find joy in anything, including parenting.
It’s important to recognize these signs early and take action before they spiral into something more serious.
Coping Strategies and Solutions
Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings
The first step in coping with the emotional impact of losing yourself is to acknowledge and validate your feelings.
It’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, or guilty—these emotions are a natural response to the challenges of motherhood.
Rather than pushing them aside, allow yourself to feel them fully. This doesn’t mean wallowing in negative emotions, but rather permitting yourself to be honest about how you’re feeling.
Talking to someone you trust, whether it’s a partner, friend, or therapist, can be incredibly helpful.
Sharing your struggles with others who understand what you’re going through can provide a sense of relief and validation.
Reconnect with Your Identity
Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings, the next step is to start reconnecting with your identity. This doesn’t mean going back to exactly who you were before becoming a mom. You’ve grown and changed after all. It means rediscovering the parts of yourself that bring you joy and fulfillment.
Start small. Revisit an old hobby, even if it’s just for a few minutes each day. It could be something as simple as reading a book before bed or going on a walk alone.
These small acts of self-care can help you reconnect with the things that make you feel like yourself again.
Setting boundaries is also crucial. It’s okay to say no to certain commitments or ask for help so that you can carve out time for yourself.
Seek Support and Build a Community
Finally, don’t underestimate the power of community in helping you navigate this journey.
Joining a mom group, whether in person or online (like mine), can provide a sense of belonging and support. It can also help you connect with moms going through similar struggles.
Surrounding yourself with other moms who understand the challenges you’re facing can make a world of difference.
If you’re struggling to manage your emotions on your own, seeking professional help is a positive step. A therapist can help you work through your feelings and develop strategies to cope with the emotional toll of losing yourself.
Conclusion
To lose yourself in motherhood means putting everything you wish to strive for on the back burner so you can make everyone else happy.
The emotional impact of this loss can be profound, leading to feelings of guilt, sadness, frustration, and even resentment.
However, by recognizing the signs, acknowledging your feelings, and taking steps to reconnect with your identity, you can start to regain a sense of self.
It’s okay to prioritize yourself and your well-being. In doing so, you’re not just benefiting yourself—you’re also becoming a healthier, happier mom for your children.
So take that first step, whether it’s reaching out for support, setting aside time for a favourite hobby, or simply being kinder to yourself. You deserve it.
If this post resonates with you, I invite you to share your experiences in the comments below or reach out for support.
As I mentioned, I have an online community of moms who can support each other in our struggles. Together, we can create a community where moms feel empowered to prioritize their well-being and navigate the challenges of motherhood with confidence.