Before You Tackle Mom Guilt Alone, Read This
Do you have burning questions about how to tackle mom guilt? You are not alone.
Here are the answers to the most frequently asked questions about navigating the difficult world of tough emotions and guilt in motherhood.
A Brief Overview of Mom Guilt
Mom Guilt: that relentless companion anytime you spend an hour to yourself or decide to order takeout instead of cooking a healthy dinner for your family.
It's that nagging feeling that you're never doing enough, that you should be doing more, or that you're somehow falling short of an impossible standard. No wonder we want to tackle mom guilt!
But I don’t want to worry you - there are ways to understand and cope with this common yet challenging emotion. That’s why I decided to answer some questions about it before you decide to tackle mom guilt on your own. The last thing I want is for you to go through this alone.
Throughout this article, I mention my Letting Go of Mom Guilt journal. Grab it below so you can take what you learn from this article and do the actions that will make you feel better.
Question 1: What is Mom Guilt, and Why Do I Experience It?
Mom guilt is that feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt experienced by mothers regarding their parenting skills or decisions. It often stems from societal pressures, unrealistic expectations, comparison with others, or fear of judgment.
Whether it's taking time for self-care, pursuing personal goals, or making decisions about childcare, mom guilt can creep in unexpectedly.
To tackle mom guilt, it's crucial to recognize that it's a common experience shared by many moms.
In her book, Let Go of The Guilt, Valorie Burton describes how there are three truths about guilt:
- Guilt is a message: you either did something wrong or you think you did something wrong.
- Guilt is a debt: it implies that you owe something or must give up on something. For example, if you feel guilty about going back to work, you might think that you need to give up on your other personal goals to spend more time with your child.
- Guilt is an opportunity: when you feel it, it’s your chance to make a change somewhere. It’s up to you to decide what that change needs to be. Do you need more help? Do you need to set boundaries? Do you need a break? Explore that.
In the beginning of postpartum, I often found myself overwhelmed by feelings of guilt because I thought taking care of my baby would just come naturally. When I couldn’t comfort my son for the first few days after bringing him home, I beat myself up more than ever before.
However, with time, I learned that things aren’t supposed to be different. I’m a human and I’m imperfect. There’s no handbook specifically on taking care of my baby so all I could do was give myself time and self-compassion. Eventually, the guilt didn’t take over my decisions anymore.
Question 2: How Can I Overcome Mom Guilt?
Another common question is how to break free from the cycle of mom guilt. Let's explore some strategies.
Overcoming mom guilt requires a combination of self-reflection, self-compassion, and setting realistic expectations.
Start by identifying the triggers and underlying beliefs fuelling your guilt. Challenge these beliefs with evidence of your worth as a mother and remind yourself that taking care of your well-being is crucial for your family's happiness.
This is where my Letting Go of Mom Guilt Journal becomes incredibly useful. Many of us don’t even know where to start with exploring our thoughts.
But to tackle mom guilt, you need to know where it’s coming from. Our emotions come from our thoughts so what are the thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself? What are your expectations of yourself? Get curious.
Most of the time when we feel guilt, we feel it for the wrong reasons. Valorie Burton calls this “false guilt.” My journal will help you evaluate the truth of your thoughts so you can determine if there is a reason you feel guilty or if your guilt is false.
Common Thought Patterns:
- “I did something wrong” - this is determined by your personal values, regardless if society sees it as wrong or not.
- “I believe I caused harm to someone or something” - this is where not only did you do something wrong but you feel pretty sure that it hurt someone or something
- “I didn’t do enough” - this is one many moms use and is based on what you believe is enough
- “I have more than someone else” - sometimes we feel guilt simply because we are more privileged than someone else
- “I didn’t do something but I wanted to” - this thought pattern can include not doing something even though you should have or you thought about doing something against your values even though you didn’t actually do it.
In your journalling, see if your thoughts fall under any of these.
My other suggestion is to develop a self-care plan and execute it without guilt. You can do this by reminding yourself of a new belief, which you can create in the journal I made.
Prioritize tasks based on importance rather than perfection and surround yourself with a supportive community of fellow moms who understand and empathize with your struggles.
You don’t need to tackle mom guilt alone.
When I decided to prioritize my mental health and pursue my passions guilt-free, I noticed a significant shift in my overall well-being. By letting go of unrealistic expectations and embracing imperfection, I found joy and fulfillment in motherhood without the constant weight of guilt.
Question 3: Is Mom Guilt Normal, and Should I Feel Guilty for Feeling Guilty?
Many moms wonder if it's okay to experience mom guilt and if they should feel guilty about feeling guilty. Let's address this common concern.
Yes, mom guilt is a normal part of motherhood, and it's okay to acknowledge and validate your feelings without judgment. In fact, guilt is a normal part of the human experience because we’re humans and we’re emotional.
Instead of berating yourself for feeling guilty, practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you're doing the best you can with the resources and knowledge you have.
I used to beat myself up for feeling guilty about every little thing, from taking a break to missing a milestone.
I felt guilty for forgetting to take two months' worth of milestone photos and then felt guilty for feeling that way because I’m doing the opposite of what I coach moms on! Great not only do I feel like crap but now I’m also a fraud!
However, I learned that accepting my emotions without judgment allowed me to move past them more effectively.
And that’s a key part of self-compassion: mindfulness. When we overidentify with our emotions, we make our emotions and thoughts mean something about us which doesn’t help anything.
Question 4: How Can I Stop Comparing Myself to Other Moms and Overcome the Fear of Judgment?
Comparing ourselves to other moms and fearing judgment can intensify mom guilt. Let's explore ways to overcome these destructive habits.
Trying to tackle your mom guilt while simultaneously questioning why you’re not like other moms is like trying to swim against a relentless tide while carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders. It's an exhausting battle against an impossible standard, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and depleted.
To stop comparing yourself to other moms and alleviate the fear of judgment, focus on your unique journey and strengths as a mother.
No one mom is good at everything. What is one thing you’re good at that another mom might not be good at?
Remember that social media often portrays an unrealistic image of motherhood, and what you see online may not reflect reality.
It’s OK to acknowledge that you lack something compared to another mom AND recognize other truths about that mom. Maybe she has more help than you, for all you know.
Remember to practice gratitude for your accomplishments, no matter how small, and cultivate a supportive network of friends and family who uplift and encourage you.
Social media was a place for me to get valuable information to help me cope with postpartum, but for a while, I felt inadequate and guilty for not being so put together.
Why was this mom able to bounce back into her exercise routine while I’m 8 months postpartum and can still barely tolerate a squat?
However, once I started focusing on my own journey and celebrating my wins, no matter how small, I felt a sense of liberation from the constant pressure to measure up to others' standards.
Question 5: How Can I Balance Motherhood with Pursuing Personal Goals Without Feeling Guilty?
Balancing motherhood with personal goals can be challenging, especially when mom guilt rears its head. Let's discuss strategies for achieving harmony between your roles as a mom and individual.
Finding a balance between motherhood and personal goals requires prioritizing self-care and time management. It requires reclaiming your time, which is the core outcome of my Reclaim Your Time mini-course.
Set realistic expectations for yourself and communicate openly with your support system about your needs and aspirations. This takes a lot of work on tackling mom guilt, shame, and fear of vulnerability.
This balancing act also takes self-compassion because you need to show yourself a lot of kindness and recognize your worth. If you see yourself as unworthy and continue to believe you’re the only one feeling this way, you’ll never be able to manage your time. You’ll continue to be a people-pleaser.
Remember, pursuing personal goals benefits you and sets a positive example for your children. Embrace the notion that caring for yourself yourself is essential for being the best mom.
I struggled with guilt when I decided to pursue this business a couple of months postpartum.
I saw myself as a devoted mom but when I was starting this business, I was hustling and this conflicted with my values of being present with my baby.
Naturally, this created mom guilt.
So, I discovered I needed to find a balance.
I committed that when my work and time to myself was done, my focus would be on my family. No more letting my mind go elsewhere.
I found a balance that allowed me to thrive both personally and professionally. Letting go of the guilt was empowering and enabled me to be present and fulfilled in all aspects of my life.
Question 6: I’m a perfectionist and feel guilty for not doing “good enough.” What do I do?
Perfectionism can fuel mom guilt and hinder our ability to show ourselves compassion when we don’t meet our self-imposed standards. Let's explore how to break free from the trap of perfectionism.
Practicing self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially in moments of perceived failure or inadequacy.
Challenge the unrealistic expectations fuelling your perfectionism and embrace the beauty of imperfection.
In my Letting Go of Mom Guilt Journal, I encourage you to explore the expectations you have and considered whether there is enough evidence to support that you can meet that expectations in your current season of life.
What or who triggers your perfectionistic tendencies? When you try to make things perfect, how does that impact your life and the people around you? What would you rather spend your time doing as opposed to worrying about getting things right and being “good enough?”
I would also think about the worst-case scenario and whether you could handle it. Does it seem that bad?
Celebrate your victories, no matter how small, and learn from your mistakes without self-judgment. Remember that being a good mom doesn't mean being perfect; it means being loving, nurturing, and present for your children. Just be the mom your child needs you to be.
I used to strive for perfection in many aspects of motherhood. Two weeks postpartum and I was already harping on how messy the home is, despite both me and my partner being sleep deprived.
But, I soon realized that this pursuit of perfection was not only exhausting but also unattainable. By practicing self-compassion and embracing imperfection, I found greater joy in my role as a mom.
Question 7: How Can I Handle Unsolicited Advice and Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty or Defensive?
Receiving unsolicited advice from family, friends, and even strangers can trigger guilt and defensiveness. Let's explore effective ways to manage unwanted input and tackle mom guilt around this subject.
Handling unsolicited advice requires setting boundaries and maintaining confidence in your parenting choices.
Politely thank the individual for their input, but assert your autonomy by expressing that you'll consider their advice while making decisions that align with your values and circumstances.
Remember that you know your child best, and trust your instincts as a parent. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect your choices and offer constructive encouragement.
You also don’t need to take the bate. Just let them know that you’ll think about their advice and then change the subject. If you get really heated, leave the room and take a “mom timeout.”
Practicing your boundaries and getting good at “I” statements can go a long way.
Just remember, that boundaries are essential and so long as you’re being assertive and not aggressive or passive-aggressive about it, you don’t need to feel guilty for it.
If you do feel guilty about it, explore what your thoughts are that leads to this guilt in the Letting Go of Mom Guilt Journal.
I struggled with handling unsolicited advice and setting boundaries.
Before having my son, my partner and I didn’t have any boundaries set in place or written out and before we knew it, people were posting pictures of our son on social media without our permission.
I don’t want you to make this same mistake.
Question 8: What Do I Do if I’m Actually Guilt of Something?
Naturally, there are good reasons to feel mom guilt sometimes. Like I said earlier mom guilt is a debt, an opportunity, and is information. Let’s explore this.
Valorie Burton has created a tool for tackling what she calls “authentic guilt.” This is when we need to pay our dues and acknowledge where we went wrong.
Did you yell at your partner today? Did you forget to change your baby's diaper? In the mom guilt journal, you can explore reasons that may support your belief. If you do find good reasons, this could indicate that your guilt is authentic.
So what do you do about authentic guilt?
- Admit that you did something wrong
- Assess the harm you caused and whether you went against your values and expectations
- Apologize to the people you did harm to
- Atone for it by making amends or exploring how you can prevent further harm
- Adjust your behaviour by determining what needs to change to prevent this from happening again
- Accept forgiveness by forgiving yourself and/or asking that person for forgiveness
My partner works long hours during the day, which means I carry most of the load. Sometimes I resent him for this even though I know it’s unreasonable and he’s only doing the best he can to bring income in.
There have been times that I lashed out at him for not doing more at home. And of course, I felt guilt about this, as I should have.
I apologized for this and have finally come to the conclusion that I need some help so I can fill my cup too. My mom now watches my son a couple of times a week so I can work on my business in quiet and go to a yoga class.
I needed a self-care plan badly and discovered this by exploring my thoughts and building new beliefs about my situation.
These are answers to some of the most commonly asked questions on how to tackle mom guilt. With this knowledge, you are now well-equipped to navigate the intricate terrain of motherhood guilt-free.
If you want to dive deeper into understanding and overcoming mom guilt, don't forget to download my free journal, 'Letting Go of Mom Guilt' where I provide journal prompts to help you uncover the root causes of your guilt and embrace a more compassionate mindset. Sign up below and reclaim your joy in motherhood.
Check out my other blog posts on motherhood and mom guilt:
IDENTITY CHANGE IN MOMS AND HOW TO MAKE PEACE WITH IT
A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO MOTHERHOOD AND THE BRAIN
MY JOURNEY: THE TRANSFORMATION OF LETTING GO OF MOM GUILT
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