My Journey: The Transformation of Letting Go of Mom Guilt
As new moms, we are hard on ourselves. But I know it’s possible to manage this because I have myself. Today, I want to discuss my journey and the transformation of letting go of mom guilt.
All of us moms go through it. We feel guilt, doubt, and shame. Similarly, we don’t see ourselves as worthy of achieving our goals or feeling happy and content about being working moms. Simple mistakes like forgetting to pump were enough for me to spiral into an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.
Guilt will never leave us but I bet you didn’t know how much it guides your decision-making. You’ve probably said yes to things you would’ve rather said no to because you felt bad for the person making that request. It should never be about you, right?
Though guilt will always be present, the good news is that you don’t need to let it guide your choices. You can overcome it and I will show you exactly how letting go of mom guilt worked for me.
Why I Decided To Transform My Approach to Mom Guilt
Becoming a mother is a beautiful journey filled with love and joy, but comes with a fair share of challenges.
From the moment I held my baby in my arms, I was consumed by love. Of course, the sense of responsibility was overwhelming. The moment I felt awkward holding him and not feeling quite sure how to comfortably nurse, I thought I had failed.
I know that’s dramatic but I truly thought it would be easy to hold a newborn and that the latching would come naturally.
The screaming in the hospital room compounded my sense of failure and I wanted to curl up and retreat from this new responsibility.
Unfortunately, my need for perfection surfaced in my new role as a mom.
If you want to experience this transformation for yourself, check out my Letting Go of Mom Guilt workbook. Grab it here or sign up below:
Through the first few months postpartum, I felt guilty for not being able to do everything perfectly, for needing help, and for taking time for myself.
This guilt was eating away at my confidence and hindering my ability to fully enjoy motherhood.
The Step-by-Step Transformation Process of Building Belief to Overcome Mom Guilt
I didn’t fully realize that guilt was the reason I was so reluctant to leave my baby to play by himself while I took some time to read my book.
However, it wasn’t until I discovered coaching and journalling my thoughts that I realized guilt was very present in my life, in many aspects. I am a renowned people-pleaser.
Then I discovered people have a specific name for guilt in moms, called “mom guilt.”
I knew that to be the best mother I could be, I needed to transform my relationship with guilt. I needed to build belief in myself, to recognize that I was doing the best I could, and to let go of the unrealistic expectations I had placed on myself.
It was time to learn how to manage my mom guilt because I was exhausted from letting it guide my decisions.
The Process
After talking to a coach about my business, I realized that many of the tools she used can be applied to multiple areas in life. I thought about how I could use it to feel better about myself and cope with mom guilt.
There is a tool called the STEAR map, which was created by Dr. Sasha Heniz. Here’s what STEAR stands for:
- Situation
- Thought
- Emotion
- Action
- Result
In this case, the emotion is guilt. The thing about guilt is that it only needs to be present if we want it to be.
For example, the situation might be that you’re going back to work. Then you think, “I shouldn’t go back to work, my baby needs me.” This thought creates guilt and, therefore, to any number of actions (or inactions), including not engaging in activities you enjoy, overcompensating, crying, worrying, etc.
The result? Not taking care of yourself, burnout, or perhaps postpartum depression.
Armed with this tool, I outlined journalling prompts that would help me discover what thoughts and beliefs were going on that made me feel guilty. Here’s the process I follow:
Step 1: I started journaling to uncover the beliefs that fuel my guilt.
I wrote down my thoughts and feelings without judgment, allowing myself to explore the root causes of my guilt.
Through journaling, I was able to identify negative beliefs. I circled one thought that stood out to me the most.
Step 2: Exploring Evidence that Supports and Refutes My Beliefs
This step is self-explanatory. Exploring the belief that stands out to you the most, write down evidence that supports it.
I believed that I was better off staying home because it would make me selfish to return to work. The evidence that supports this is that it will be difficult for me to pump and supply milk while I’m working.
Further, childcare is expensive.
Step 3: Find evidence that doesn’t support my belief
One piece of evidence I thought of was that my child might admire me for going back to work and pursuing my goals. Moreover, going back to work is also a vehicle for me to provide for him and save for his education.
Step 4: Picking a New Belief
Lastly, I picked a new belief that allowed me to be kinder to myself. I wrote down “Even though I’m going to miss being with my son every day, I’m just doing the best I can to make sure I can take care of him.”
What’s important for this step is to pick a thought that’s easy for you to believe. If you pick something that’s “out there,” your brain will just tell you “Yeah, right, you don’t believe that. You believe this other thing about yourself.”
What was “out there” for me was “You’re the best mom.”
Self-compassion became a crucial part of my transformation journey and letting go of mom guilt. It was crucial because it equipped me with all the tools I needed to stop beating myself up.
I learned to be kinder to myself and to treat myself with the same love and understanding that I would offer to a friend.
Likewise, instead of berating myself for not being perfect, I practiced self-compassion and reminded myself that I was enough just as I am.
If you need more support in motherhood, check out these articles:
THE ULTIMATE CHECKLIST FOR SELF-CARE DURING MOTHERHOOD
A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO MOTHERHOOD AND THE BRAIN
DEFINING MATRESCENCE AND HOW TO ADJUST TO NEW MOTHERHOOD
THE TOP 10 AFFORDABLE AMAZON MUST-HAVES FOR MOMS
The Ups and Downs: My Insights from the Transformation Journey
Throughout my transformation, I encountered numerous ups and downs.
There were moments of triumph where I felt empowered and capable as a mom. I thought I was doing all the right things and coping with my mom guilt effectively.
But there were also moments of doubt and frustration, where the old habits of guilt and shame threatened to pull me back into a spiral of self-deprecation.
However, I reminded myself of the STEAR map and that my journal prompts will guide me in a healthier direction..
I learned to lean into discomfort, to challenge negative beliefs, and to embrace imperfection. I discovered that by building belief in myself and practicing self-compassion, I could overcome mom guilt and embrace the joy of motherhood.
The transformation of building belief and letting go of mom guilt has been a profound experience for me.
I've learned to let go of unrealistic expectations, to be kinder to myself, and to trust in my abilities as a mother.
Through journaling and cultivating self-compassion, I've found a newfound sense of confidence and peace in my motherhood journey. Equally important, I forgive myself when I’m falling short and know that I’m worthy of setting aside time just to take care of myself.
Want to experience the transformation journey towards overcoming mom guilt? Don’t miss my Letting Go of Mom Guilt Workbook which will equip you with all you need. Grab it here.
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